Balik awkward. Bakit ang awkward na naman? Pag tahimik awkward. So kailangan dapat palaging maingay? Badtrip. Pag siya tahimik, tahimik din lahat. Bawal mag ingay. Mahihiya kang mag ingay. Ni nga tumawa pahirapan. Aba matinde.
Cold treatment na naman kasunod nito. Minsan ayoko ng gantong tahimik. Nakakakaba. Hindi mo alam kung may nagawa kang kasalanan ng di mo nalalaman. Tipong the memo was late ang peg. Ito yung hirap sa kaibigang gusto ng perpektong relasyon. Yung nakikita sa iba kailangan meron din kami. Kailangan ginagawa din namin. Kailangan alam namin.
Kapag mga gantong eksena kahit hindi ko man gustuhin, bumabalik lahat. That time.. that line.. hindi ko talaga makalimutan yun. Tagos. Hindi ko alam kung napansin niya but I was taken aback. I was pissed. I was disappointed. Right at that moment, I was really confused. Am I not enough? All I know was she was happy and contented of what we have.
I haven’t really made something that is ‘huge’ sacrifice for her like what she read on that particular magazine. However, is it enough to compare? Oh I think that was not comparing, she was actually expecting much like I never done that and never will.
“Kasta a ti best friend” she said. That line must really be short but hey five words and it shattered me into pieces. Ikaw nga sabihan ka ng best friend mo ng ganyan sa harap mo mismo with no hesitations anong mararamdaman mo? I tried to smile that time. It was a fake smile. I tried not to show my real reaction. It was like I just heard a very funny, funny joke and because it’s so funny I forgot to breath.
Sa mga nangyaring ganyan samin, akala ko magkakasiraan na kami. Akala ko wala ng Glb. Akala ko dahil nasabi niya yung ganun, we’ll now continue to build gaps between us. Hindi ko alam kung na kanino ang problema. Sa akin ba? Sa kanya? I really don’t know.
BUT I’m glad hindi naman lumala. Kahit papano hindi naman natuloy ang mga what ifs ko. That was December after ng Christmas party sa boarding house namin. Actually hindi nga siya umattend eh. Umuwi sya agad. Hinatid ko siya. Tapos while waiting for bus sabi niya “sorry”. Tinanong ko kung bakit tapos sabi niya “basta” tapos teary eyed na siya. Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung ano’ng ikinasosorry niya. Yun bang cold treatment niya sakin or kung narealized na niyang na offend ako sa sinabi niyang “kasta a ti best friend”. Well, I don’t know and hindi na importante yun.